I haven’t been posting content as consistently as I would like these past few weeks, and the reason for this is because I haven’t been feeling great. I call it feeling “meh”. I’ve felt sad, lonely, lost. I’ve felt like I don’t really have a purpose in life and I lost all motivation to do anything.
I think a big misconception is that just because my life looks great from the outside, that doesn’t mean that I always feel great. The past few weeks I haven’t been feeling good mentally, despite traveling to amazing places. Unfortunately, such fortunate experiences don’t always cure a unhealthy mental state.
I feel like I’m not allowed to complain, that I’m not allowed to not be okay. These past months I’ve travelled to amazing places, seen amazing things. I’ve been able to relax, to not have to stress about work or assignments. I have a amazing family who supports me through all of it. I have the opportunity to do my Master’s Degree in London in September. All in all, my life is pretty great at the moment. So why do I feel so down?
I can’t really answer that question, because I don’t think there is a concrete answer. I know everyone goes through rough patches in their life; some are worse than others, and some last much longer than others. It’s something that we have to work through, we have to accept that it is happening, and we have to do something about it.
The “doing something about it” didn’t happen for me for a while, and I’m still in the process of it now. I spent a few weeks at home in Singapore doing nothing. While my parents were at work and my brother at school, I would lie in bed in my PJ’s watching useless YouTube videos and feel horrible. At the start I told myself I was just being lazy. “Just get off your lazy ass”, I would tell myself, “stop being such a spoiled brat”. But as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t get myself to do it. I realised that more was going on than me being lazy.
Despite feeling this way I booked a monthlong solo trip to Bali. I felt so apprehensive before leaving, brinking on being scared, something I haven’t really felt before when embarking on a trip. But I went, and I’m proud of myself for that. Now I’m sitting here in Ubud, and I can feel myself slowly getting better. My “happy periods” during the day last longer, and all in all I feel much more okay. I’m working on bettering myself daily, and it’s slowly working.
One thing I’ve learnt is to talk about it. I’m a very introverted person and so talking about my feelings with anyone isn’t something I like to do. But bottling it all in is even worse, and so I’ve started talking about it more, and I’m writing a blog post about it. If you’re ever feeling the same way, I urge you to confide in someone.
I’ve set myself the goal to start posting frequently again, and I’ll do my best to keep to it.